Maybe I missed something, but it doesn’t seem like people talk about this enough. Leading up to having a baby, the focus is on the development of the baby in the womb, what not to eat/drink, and a little bit about what to expect once the baby is born. Rarely do people talk about the identity crisis that is yet to happen…
In my third trimester, I started feeling pings of anxiety, guilt, and all the emotional feels that reminded me of going through puberty… I am extremely close with both of my parents, and I found that my patience and tolerance were decreasing. I was more irritable (thanks, hormones) and felt like things were shifting. After talking it out with several people, I realized that my identity is completely shifting, and I didn’t necessarily think about it. I've heard people say that when you have a baby, two beings are born… your baby, and your new identity as a parent. But I think there's more to consider. Obviously I knew I was becoming a mom, but the identity I didn’t think about was how I was going from child to parent, and that meant my parents going from mom and dad to grandma and grandpa. There’s this weird thing that happens when you’re an adult when you realize your parents aren’t superheroes, and you would do things differently. It can feel like a loss, and it can also feel liberating. I’m somewhere in the middle. I’ve realized that even though our relationship dynamic has been one way for 30+ years, it doesn’t mean we can’t have an open discussion to re-evaluate and shift it.
I recently sat my parents down and told them how I was feeling… I am so appreciative of their love and support, but I am already stepping into mama-bear mode, and I don’t want to be told how to do things. I know it comes from a place of love, yet the message I hear is, “we don’t trust you to get it right on your own”, which is obviously not what they’re saying. Sometimes, people express love and support in a different way than how you need it, and unless it’s stated clearly, it’s going to continue feeling like it’s not working. This is very similar to love languages, which can exist in family dynamics as well as romantic relationships. For example, my parents have each been reminding me on many occasions about how bad Covid is right now and how pregnant women are extra high-risk. I know this. And having them each remind me about it constantly was very overwhelming. I let them know that they didn’t need to remind me, and they needed to trust that I was being safe and already making decisions that are best for me and my baby.
In coaching, I do something with clients called “designing our alliance”. (Thanks CTI!) It happens in the beginning of a coaching relationship, and it’s essentially a time for us to come up with a verbal contract to set expectations and express what we need from each other in order for the relationship to be effective. Throughout that working relationship, the alliance is redesigned any time it needs to be. For example, I had a client who was very introspective and oftentimes needed an extra minute or so to process his feelings and express himself. I was interpreting his silence as something else, so I brought it up and he explained himself to me. I was so glad he did so, and I mentioned that having that info was super helpful for our working relationship. It’s possible to do this with family dynamics as well. Just because you’ve all played certain roles and communicated a certain way your entire lives doesn’t mean it can’t be changed. Chances are, you don’t want your parents communicating with you as an adult the same way they did when you were 15. So take some time this holiday season to express your gratitude for your loved ones, and give yourself the gift of having an open and honest conversation about your needs, and how you like to give and receive love and support. Happy holidays!